I had never had true anxiety in my life until I had the diagnosis of breast cancer and was waiting for the surgery. What an unbelievable time.
I couldn't sleep.
I could hardly eat. I was losing weight (well, that seemed like a bonus).
I was having nightmares.
I couldn't concentrate.
I have known many people that suffer from anxiety and I myself had never truly experienced it until now. I sure have a lot of respect for people who have to struggle through this on a regular basis. It is not easy. It is really hard.
My primary care doctor, who is also a dear friend, wrote me a script for valium. I had taken it prior to a couple of my breast biopsies and so it wasn't new to me. Somehow I was afraid to take it still.
I took it a few times in the evening when I knew we had no plans and I could just go to bed early. Looking back on it, I would have taken it more as I needed it. I was a nervous nelly. Still am. Let me tell you that when I did take it, it sure did help. You have to do what you can to get by. This was not an easy time. It was hard. Really really hard.
I found it challenging to be in normal social situations and not talk about the fact that I was about to have my breasts removed. I couldn't get it out of my mind. All of the what ifs. What if I needed chemo? What if they found it outside of the ducts? What if it was in the left side? What if my kidneys failed? What if my cortisol fails? What if I have a heart attack during the surgery? What if I don't make it? I won't see my kids graduate from high school, go to college, and get married? What will Chris do without me?
I found myself feeling annoyed with people for stressing over what seemed like nothing compared to having this surgery within days. People saying "can you believe all of this rain we have had? The weeds in my garden are out of control!"
I wanted to scream, "Can you BELIEVE I have to have my breasts taken off next week?!?"
It was an awkward waiting period. I felt unable to function.
Then there were the people who knew but didn't know what to say. We would chat and I could somehow tell that they knew but they didn't say anything. I understood. What would they say?
I continued to go to lacrosse games and baseball games. We celebrated Chris's birthday. We celebrated Father's Day. We had the year-end school parties. We had the year-end PTC meeting. I ran as much as possible. I laid out in the sun as much as I could. I went shopping for button-down shirts, front zip sports bras, drain belts, and button down PJs.
I even went surfing for the very first time behind our boat.
Life continues despite the fact that you don't feel like yourself and you can't seem to cope.
It was super awkward to run into people who didn't know.
"Hi! How are you?"
an awkward pause.. what to say? Should I just post this on Facebook and be done with it? How to explain to people?
"Do you have a chair to pull up and talk for an hour?"
The biggest surprise was to find out how many people love us. I have never received more cards, flowers, gifts, balloons, texts, emails, and Facebook messages in my life. Both before the surgery and after. People from just about every phase of my life were contacting me and praying for me. It was incredibly humbling. It was just unbelievable. We had friends taking our kids to and from school so we could get to appointments. Friends picking up the boys for practices or games.
I even received a card with a Panera gift card from some of my son's Middle School teachers. I was blown away.
I got cards from some of my friend's parents and even my parent's friends. I received a prayer shawl from my Mom's prayer group in Florida. I received emails from old high school friends that I hadn't talked to in years.
My Godmother made me a beautiful quilt and prayed over while she made it. I opened it two days after my surgery. It made me cry. People truly care about us. It was very eye-opening. It was the fact that people took the time to let us know how much we meant to them. For them to pray for us was just incredible.
On my surgery day, our Priest, Becky, came to the hospital to pray over us. Also our friends from church - Nancy, Ellen, and Chuck came. My parents, my sister and her family, Lynda and Gary came. Lynda and Gary took the kids out after I went into surgery and brought them back just as I got out of recovery. Gary brought lunch for Chris during my surgery.
Just an incredible outpouring of love.
It was a time of anxiety but also a time I don't think I have ever felt more loved. It was and continues to be a blessing to have all of these people in my life. We will be forever grateful.
I couldn't sleep.
I could hardly eat. I was losing weight (well, that seemed like a bonus).
I was having nightmares.
I couldn't concentrate.
I have known many people that suffer from anxiety and I myself had never truly experienced it until now. I sure have a lot of respect for people who have to struggle through this on a regular basis. It is not easy. It is really hard.
My primary care doctor, who is also a dear friend, wrote me a script for valium. I had taken it prior to a couple of my breast biopsies and so it wasn't new to me. Somehow I was afraid to take it still.
I took it a few times in the evening when I knew we had no plans and I could just go to bed early. Looking back on it, I would have taken it more as I needed it. I was a nervous nelly. Still am. Let me tell you that when I did take it, it sure did help. You have to do what you can to get by. This was not an easy time. It was hard. Really really hard.
I found it challenging to be in normal social situations and not talk about the fact that I was about to have my breasts removed. I couldn't get it out of my mind. All of the what ifs. What if I needed chemo? What if they found it outside of the ducts? What if it was in the left side? What if my kidneys failed? What if my cortisol fails? What if I have a heart attack during the surgery? What if I don't make it? I won't see my kids graduate from high school, go to college, and get married? What will Chris do without me?
I found myself feeling annoyed with people for stressing over what seemed like nothing compared to having this surgery within days. People saying "can you believe all of this rain we have had? The weeds in my garden are out of control!"
I wanted to scream, "Can you BELIEVE I have to have my breasts taken off next week?!?"
It was an awkward waiting period. I felt unable to function.
Then there were the people who knew but didn't know what to say. We would chat and I could somehow tell that they knew but they didn't say anything. I understood. What would they say?
I continued to go to lacrosse games and baseball games. We celebrated Chris's birthday. We celebrated Father's Day. We had the year-end school parties. We had the year-end PTC meeting. I ran as much as possible. I laid out in the sun as much as I could. I went shopping for button-down shirts, front zip sports bras, drain belts, and button down PJs.
I even went surfing for the very first time behind our boat.
Life continues despite the fact that you don't feel like yourself and you can't seem to cope.
It was super awkward to run into people who didn't know.
"Hi! How are you?"
an awkward pause.. what to say? Should I just post this on Facebook and be done with it? How to explain to people?
"Do you have a chair to pull up and talk for an hour?"
The biggest surprise was to find out how many people love us. I have never received more cards, flowers, gifts, balloons, texts, emails, and Facebook messages in my life. Both before the surgery and after. People from just about every phase of my life were contacting me and praying for me. It was incredibly humbling. It was just unbelievable. We had friends taking our kids to and from school so we could get to appointments. Friends picking up the boys for practices or games.
I even received a card with a Panera gift card from some of my son's Middle School teachers. I was blown away.
I got cards from some of my friend's parents and even my parent's friends. I received a prayer shawl from my Mom's prayer group in Florida. I received emails from old high school friends that I hadn't talked to in years.
My Godmother made me a beautiful quilt and prayed over while she made it. I opened it two days after my surgery. It made me cry. People truly care about us. It was very eye-opening. It was the fact that people took the time to let us know how much we meant to them. For them to pray for us was just incredible.
On my surgery day, our Priest, Becky, came to the hospital to pray over us. Also our friends from church - Nancy, Ellen, and Chuck came. My parents, my sister and her family, Lynda and Gary came. Lynda and Gary took the kids out after I went into surgery and brought them back just as I got out of recovery. Gary brought lunch for Chris during my surgery.
Just an incredible outpouring of love.
It was a time of anxiety but also a time I don't think I have ever felt more loved. It was and continues to be a blessing to have all of these people in my life. We will be forever grateful.
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